Popstars in Space!

14/07/2010 at 8:37 pm (Music)


If I were to become a famous rockstar, I want just one thing.

I don’t need a massive mansion to rattle around in, or a fleet of cars. Even a private jet won’t cut it. I want a spaceship.

You see, I’ve noticed that pop and rock stars get to fly spacecraft. They tear around the music channels and YouTube with reckless abandon, showing off their crazy rock’n’roll piloting skills. Either that, or they’ll just lounge around in their plush/minimalist/shiny vessels looking all cool and weightless. Here’s a list of 10 videos, in no particular order, proving that pop stars are probably alien. Or something.  (Text links open in a new window)

Babylon Zoo – Spaceman: Not necessarily their own spaceship, Babylon Zoo’s Jas Mann is driving home to the 50’s and gets abducted. Before you can say “anal probing”, he’s in charge of the whole ship and everyone’s having a party. Despite the fact they only really like the first 20 seconds of the song.

Kylie – Put Yourself In My Place: Kylie goes all Barbarella as she gets undressed. Showing some skin here, she gets ready for a deep space kip. This is what happens when you let your entourage of gay men furnish a spaceship. Not sure if they even trust the poor woman to fly it – she’s only got buttons for opening or closing doors and more or less gravity. I can’t help feeling that Alien would have had a completely different feel if it had been shot on this set.

The Darkness – I Believe In A Thing Called Love: Perhaps the ultimate rock’n’roll spaceship. With its pet alien devil girl, this hypersonic love vessel carries frontman Justin Hawkins and crew to the far reaches of Rawk Space! Battling a cosmic squid, they seem to be having a heck of a lot of fun. Unlike these boys…

Muse – Sing For Absolution: There’s no denying that the visuals of this video are particularly impressive. It’s a desperately, desperately serious mission of course, and you just know they’re obeying the flight manual to the letter. Which is probably why they crash as soon as something goes a bit weird. What they needed was a bit more of a hotshot pilot…

Garbage – Special: Fast moves and a sneer make up the flying style of Garbage’s Shirley Manson, appearing under the guise of  “Queen Astarte”, showing her skills with a joystick. No arduous sojourns through the cosmos for this girl, as she dog fights the baddies in a battle with incredibly cool propeller fighters.

The Vengaboys – Rocket To Uranus: The Vengaboys have a rocket. They’re flying to Uranus. I guess it’s a little unsurprising their mode of conveyance is a pink phallus. Cue evil overlord Pete Burns flying his Fisto3000 and Perez Hilton talking out of his moon, and you have perhaps the most outrageously gay video ever made. I think someone needs to issue an apology.

Backstreet Boys – Larger Than Life: Starts out with an unmistakably epic Star Wars opening. This spaceship, however, is designed as a crèche. Someone wants these boys to stay out of trouble, giving them every opportunity to dress as Transformers and ride hoverboards. Somewhere the space grown-ups are on a mission…

About as grown up as you can get, is Beverly Knight with Come As You Are. Sure, come on over to Bev’s spacestation, it’s a great laugh! Just kick back or rock out. “Oh, would you mind taking your shoes off when you get past the airlock? Um, it’s just that I’ve hoovered and… Oh, you can have something to eat later. The caterers have done a lovely spread.” I have no evidence Beverly Knight would be that house proud, but I get a feeling.

Michael and Janet Jackson: Scream: Beverly Knight’s spacefaring Hyacinth Bucket is nothing compared to the minimalist wonderland shared by brother and sister Michael and Janet Jackson. Seriously, brother and sister, sharing a place and it’s gleaming? Seems like they spend the day learning dance moves, playing Wii and trying on egg box fetishwear. Why do I get the feeling this is the most realistic reflection of their lives they ever committed to video?

ZZ Top – Roughboy: This is a weeeeird video. It’s got a proper 80’s video vibe, sure; nekkid wimmin, fast car, a hot pair of legs. In fact, JUST a hot pair of legs. Full of random body parts, this is one creepy spaceship. You’d think that a rogue pair of hands busy playing guitar would mean you’re free from harassment. Think again.

So there you have it. When you look up into the night sky, and see a blazing meteor or the streak of a passing satellite, it could well be your favourite singer having a better time than you. Everything’s better in space.

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3 Comments

  1. Keith said,

    I’ve often wondered what happens to the shards or broken vases in the Scream video. Especially with the wonky gravity anti gravity thing they have going on.

  2. Orignalsteve said,

    What about the Spice Girls – Spice World? Don’t the 5 of them fly a space ship?

    Slam it to the left if your having a good time, shake it to the right so that you know that you feel fine. Chiggy to the front…hi see ya…hold tight!

    😉

    • peacockpete said,

      Haha! I thought about Spice Up Your Life, but I saw them driving more of an air car affair. Oh. I actually just said that. Yes, I did mentally work out if the Spice Girls’ craft was a spaceship.

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