Terror in the ice…

16/11/2010 at 9:26 am (Uncategorized)


Warning: contains hyperbole

Winter is creeping over the horizon, and I’m enjoying it. I love this time of the year; the crisp air, the bright mornings and cold, dark nights that somehow make me feel more invigorated…

“Well how fabulous for you,” I hear you growl. Of course, it’s not all a lovely La-La Land of frosty fabulousness. There’s just a couple of tiny things that put the mockers on this perfect time of the year. You see, I have two afflictions that affect my ability to navigate my way around Winter. The first of which might be surprising.

I generate massive amounts of heat. I am sure that when they finally lay my body to rest, my remains will still have a half life of several thousand years. On face value, this would appear to be a godsend as the air cools around me. Indeed. Except I’m not sure how to dress.

“Oh, such flippancy!” I know, but hear me out…

I’m cosy when I’m at home, and I prepare myself for the sharp cold that slashes at my body. Only this morning I wore about four layers, including a fleece and an overcoat, like some horrendous cross-breeding of the Michelin Man and Mr Stay Puft. My temperature remained at a normal level. By the time I’m stomped my keg of a body into the office I’d become a secondary heat source for the whole building. I just don’t think I’ve learned how to dress right yet.

The other problem I have is general mobility. In particular, ice and snow. You see, I have a cataclysmic sense of balance. The slightest tilt or incline can set my gait spiralling into a ridiculous tailspin. Ice makes me walk like an inebriated pensioner test driving a new hip. I thought it was the footwear I was wearing, favouring as I do the impracticality of smart shoes.

I now have boots. Lovely, rugged, grippy boots. Somehow the frost that filled the gaps in the pavement confounded my feet and I had a few near misses. Can’t we just have ice for lollies, cooling drinks and sculptures for overblown weddings? It’s too awkward and should be abolished.

Other than that, looking forward to the coming months. What? Whinge about the weather? Would I do that…?

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