Why I can’t watch The Apprentice

18/05/2011 at 10:22 pm (TV)


The Apprentice is, without a doubt, a personal nightmare personified.

Week after week, dreadful try-hards push their desperate soulless frames through a series of tasks, each designed to encourage them to expand upon their course of banal corporate whoring. But we all know the premise, and it’s watched by millions. People do enjoy the abject awfulness of these Daring Intuitive Coporate Keen-minds, or DICKs for short.

It’s partially a cheering on of an underdog, not that any of these DICKs are sympathetic in any way. They jump through hoops, set by the grizzled terrier face of Sir Alan Sugar, craving his love and acceptance like all the very spineless incarnations of middle management do. Pray you don’t end up with one of these beige automotons as your boss, or perhaps you already have one like it. They won’t defend you, as their default setting seems to be stuck on, “it’s not my fault. I didn’t do it.”

And then there’s the sheer, outrageous corporate bullshit. I’ve heard enough of that crap in the past. The Apprentice is like being sentenced to attend a meeting about asserting egos and not getting anything done, except to have a meeting about organising the next meeting. All bound up in an environment of humourless shit-eating half smiles and neediness. No one seems to have any fun. Ever. It’s all about BEING THE BEST.

The best what? Believing your own-overinflated sense of worth?

I am not belittling self-belief. It’s essential to grow, to aspire and become someone you see in the mirror and say, “you’re not too bad a person. Good one.” Without grounding, or humour, or humility it just becomes a want. Could I take part or succeed at The Apprentice? Definitely not. But that’s not just down to having no entreprenurial skills at all.

I admire good entrepreneurs, They tend to be charming, that’s what works more than anything. How else do you get investment? These DICKs aren’t charming, and I have the feeling there’s no room for charm with a mind that screams, “please love me, Sir Alan,” going around and around like a chunderstorm (spelling intentional) trapped in a valley of arseholes.

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10 Comments

  1. aligeorge said,

    You’re right, of course, but do you really not find any comfort in the schadenfreude? I think that’s the main attraction of it..

    • peacockpete said,

      I agree that is the attraction. But no, I can’t. It truly makes my heart sink.

  2. Andy said,

    Pete…..you’re hired!

  3. Fairywishes said,

    I do watch it, but I hate it. Ian loves it, so we watch. But I find it amazing how rubbish they are at everything. I have more ideas & organisation skills them then. Why can’t they work together. I’d never get on because I can’t be horrible to people, I think real business works when people work together, rely on each other & don’t stab people in the back.

    • peacockpete said,

      I think that goes back to the ego thing. No one wants to listen, but they all need someone to blame.

  4. Dan said,

    Perfect. You pretty much summed up why I can barely bring myself to watch it. I saw last night’s episode but it’s the only one of the series I *have* seen and, based on the douchebaggery on display by the DICKs, will probably be the last.

    What grinds my gears the most about these DICKs is how they are all supportive of one another, “Way to go getting 20p off that 300kg pallet of smoked unicorn cheese, Pete! You da man!”, until one of them is about to get fired and they become the worst kind of human garbage. “Lord Sugar, Lord Sugar! Pete was a dick! He only got 20p off our unicorn cheese and made us lose the challenge. Plus he’s a dick!”

    It’s a mystery to me how Alan Sugar doesn’t just kick them all in the taint and say “Fuck it! I’ll find my own damn apprentice!”

    • peacockpete said,

      Ha! Brilliantly put. The last paragraph there has made my morning.

      It just proves my point. They’re just spineless. They shouldn’t have positions of responsibility.

  5. Jason said,

    It isn’t the contestants what put me off the Apprentice. It is Alan Sugar.. who is now a Lord making your post factually inaccurate 🙂

    A week or so ago he said something like ‘This proves anyone can take £250 and turn a profit..’ How deluded is this guy. I mean.. if you have 2 chauffeur driven cars, 6 employees not taking a salary, rent free access to an industrial kitchen and a completely free pitch in central London with apparently no costs etc then YES! you can double your money…

    If you don’t… your buggered… which brings me to my next point… contestants get really happy when they make a profit.. why? Realistically almost every task brings back a real world loss. Every task is a fail.

    Why do I watch it? Mainly to see the exasperated expressions of Lord Sugar’s assistants…

    • peacockpete said,

      I stand corrected on His Lordship. My general apathy towards his title notwithstanding.

      Oh, don’t get me wrong, Alan Sugar fries my eggs too! It’s true what you say. Also, I don’t see how anyone’s expected to be instantly passionate about selling a Balloon Omelette or whatever.

      It’s a show of douchebaggery from top to bottom.

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